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A Beastly Dystopia

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Feb 1, 2018 at 4:51 AM
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#1
I haven't posted much out here lately, thanks to my PC being damaged and as a result me being unable to work on modmod. However, a couple of weeks ago we had to start a short story essay as an assessment for class. After a while of writing I really got into it and decided to begin writing it as a sort of hobby. I called the story A Beastly Dystopia, after the main setting and the antagonist(s).

In a post apocalyptic city ruined by dangerous monsters of shadow dubbed Beasts, a hermit named Kuiri finds himself in a life and death situation. In his perils he finds new friends, new threats, and new abilities that are crucial for his survival.

Link to Story: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1d9KQFy8gx0Zsz3Jv_sCY6gOrYJkWxbKSPUrU1BnPBZ0/edit?usp=sharing
I'm not sure how stuff with google docs works so if you can edit it please tell me, thanks.
-Itzy
 
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Feb 1, 2018 at 5:58 AM
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#2
It feels a little... rushed. Sorry, but you are explaining way too much at the start. You need to dripfeed information as it becomes relevant.

Also you need to focus on your characters more. You need to build who your characters are, their history, their fears, their dreams, their routines, their personality, then get inside their head and think "what would this person do" or "what would this person say".

Forgive the brutal honesty an' all.
 
Feb 1, 2018 at 8:38 PM
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#3
Can't edit it btw. It does let us ask you for permission to edit though.
Not bad, I think. Might cut down on ellipsis use, except for in dialogues or making a point. (Says the person who loves using ellipses.............)

I don't think there's a wrong way to write, as long as the writer has great proficiency at knowing the rules of English and understanding how their writing might be interpreted.
IMO you don't have to go so deep on their bio (not a bad idea though). However, I find some of the writing awkward.
"For years they had been taunted by the Beasts, dangerous creatures that are naught but shadow. They were not easily killed, and had power unbeknownst to the population of the city."
They - referring to the population and they - referring to the Beasts
Probably not a good practice to start a story or chapter with "they" and immediately use another "they" referencing a second subject without a good reason.

"Outside of the city, there lived a sole man, in a shack he called home."
Maybe it does feel rushed. Quickly bouncing between these main ideas. The reader is thrown into a brief synopsis view...

"His name was Kuiri, a brown-eyed lonely man. He lived outside the city, as he was all but social; asocial if you will. He knew of the Beasts but did nothing about them: He didn’t think the energy spent attempting to kill them would be worth it."

...And right out of the synopsis view into learning about the main character. "He was all but social; asocial if you will." Not sure if that second part is necessary; I can't see how it adds anything to the explanation. It's like saying, "He liked playing all pianos; a pianist if you will." Sounds a little obvious. Though it might work if you were making distinct clarification or a comedic, unusual comment? I.e. "He avoided all bananas; a nasty case of bananaphobia, if you will."

Not going to pick through everything, but seems like an interesting story. I'd say just keep practicing and improving. Look at your favorite books and use their flow as a guide. Don't get hung up on perfecting it (unless you are turning this in), but seek out criticism and try to incorporate what you learn as you go. It might get boring if you try to make everything "perfect" without getting far into the story; when you'll only continue to improve as you practice further. Just my thoughts on the matter. lol
An actual writer (or teacher) will probably have more constructive input for you to try.

On the subject matter, fun stuff, I'm working on a story that has shadowy beings as well... Guess it's usually true, it's almost impossible to have a brand new idea lol; just a new interpretation of an existing one...
 
Feb 2, 2018 at 12:54 AM
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#4
It feels a little... rushed. Sorry, but you are explaining way too much at the start. You need to dripfeed information as it becomes relevant.

Also you need to focus on your characters more. You need to build who your characters are, their history, their fears, their dreams, their routines, their personality, then get inside their head and think "what would this person do" or "what would this person say".

Forgive the brutal honesty an' all.
Thank you! I don't mind the brutal honestly lol, if anything it makes things better. It is true that the character(s) aren't built up that well so far, however the story is still in the writing of course. I'm planning on giving more development to them soon.
Can't edit it btw. It does let us ask you for permission to edit though.
Not bad, I think. Might cut down on ellipsis use, except for in dialogues or making a point. (Says the person who loves using ellipses.............)

I don't think there's a wrong way to write, as long as the writer has great proficiency at knowing the rules of English and understanding how their writing might be interpreted.
IMO you don't have to go so deep on their bio (not a bad idea though). However, I find some of the writing awkward.
"For years they had been taunted by the Beasts, dangerous creatures that are naught but shadow. They were not easily killed, and had power unbeknownst to the population of the city."
They - referring to the population and they - referring to the Beasts
Probably not a good practice to start a story or chapter with "they" and immediately use another "they" referencing a second subject without a good reason.

"Outside of the city, there lived a sole man, in a shack he called home."
Maybe it does feel rushed. Quickly bouncing between these main ideas. The reader is thrown into a brief synopsis view...

"His name was Kuiri, a brown-eyed lonely man. He lived outside the city, as he was all but social; asocial if you will. He knew of the Beasts but did nothing about them: He didn’t think the energy spent attempting to kill them would be worth it."

...And right out of the synopsis view into learning about the main character. "He was all but social; asocial if you will." Not sure if that second part is necessary; I can't see how it adds anything to the explanation. It's like saying, "He liked playing all pianos; a pianist if you will." Sounds a little obvious. Though it might work if you were making distinct clarification or a comedic, unusual comment? I.e. "He avoided all bananas; a nasty case of bananaphobia, if you will."

Not going to pick through everything, but seems like an interesting story. I'd say just keep practicing and improving. Look at your favorite books and use their flow as a guide. Don't get hung up on perfecting it (unless you are turning this in), but seek out criticism and try to incorporate what you learn as you go. It might get boring if you try to make everything "perfect" without getting far into the story; when you'll only continue to improve as you practice further. Just my thoughts on the matter. lol
An actual writer (or teacher) will probably have more constructive input for you to try.

On the subject matter, fun stuff, I'm working on a story that has shadowy beings as well... Guess it's usually true, it's almost impossible to have a brand new idea lol; just a new interpretation of an existing one...
Thanks! I do agree with some of what you said yeah, it is a little awkward at some points (I knew there was something about that asocial sentence that didn't sit with me :p), perhaps I should work on giving it a better flow rather than jumping from point to point without giving much time on each idea.
 
Apr 25, 2018 at 10:58 PM
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#5
At last, I finished A Beastly Dystopia! This is my first narrative project I've spent this much free time on, and I've finally finished it up. I submitted it to a local writing contest (in which it did not place at all) and I was waiting for the contest to end for me to share the completed version. I've updated the link on the first post, so please be sure to check it out, thanks!

Edit: It's not entirely done, despite what I said. I've finished writing but there are still some tiny pieces I need to revise.
 
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