79 replies to this topic

[ShinyElectricBlueTiger]

Nick gnaws on his magic cookie and laughs at the RPer's

He later uses teleportation to go to somewhere more fun.
As he exits, he casts hurricane and blows away all of the impostors

[Noxid]

...

Carl, Minimum Wage, Noxid and Greynbow Dash speed across the atlantic in a large brown sling suspended between Heartglass's neck and fishhook tail, completely oblivious to the laws of physics. For the most part the trip had been quiet, since none of the ponies actually knew each other and either wouldn't or couldn't be assed to strike up a conversation.

Carl lay in front, straddling one of the straps between his forelegs and giving approximatly zero fucks about the whole situation. Minimum wage clung to the side, struck by the realization that being dragged at half the speed of sound in a burlap sack is not nearly as pleasant as flying under one's own power. Greynbow dash remained slumped against the fabric on the opposite side, muttering to herself while Noxid leaned against the back, quietly staring upwards.

20 minutes in, and the entire world is a vast expanse of blue stretching as far as the eye can see. As though waking from a stupor, Noxid suddenly looks around for the first time since the flight began. "Oh my god.. this is the perfect opportunity", Noxid thinks to himself. Three smoking hot ponies and some strange beast with a terrifying amount of genitals. It's time to put everything he has learned to use.

Noxid turns to the grey goddess beside him. Laying on his best Clint Eastwood voice, he makes his move. "Hey baby, did someone put blinders on me? because all I see is you."

Greynbow Dash turns listlessly towards him, and simply replies "no..... *sigh*, it'd be nice to have blinders that could block out the world...." and then returns to her intense focus on absolutely nothing.

Noxid is crushed. That line was Golden, and coupled with the Clint Eastwood voice, there's no way it could have failed. Clint Eastwood is sexy, right? Blocked yet again, he turns his attention to the magnificent stud he bumped into on the road. Maybe he just needs to turn up the Clint Factor.

"Hey there." Noxid opens casually.

"What." the response is is short and sharp, like a very small knife. Now that contact has been established, time for the heavy hitter...

“You've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya punk?” Dirty Harry was the only Clint Eastwood movie Noxid had really watched, but he was sure this line was flawless.

Carl turned to face Noxid and delivered a stare so cold it would freeze water, or turn ice into even colder ice. Noxid shuddered. Not exactly the reaction he was looking for. The direct approach clearly wasn't working.

"Uhh.. I mean.. what's.... your name?" Any trace of sexyness was gone from his voice, reduced to airy sqeaking. "I mean uh, we're on this adventure together, and we don't even know each other's names. Maybe we could take turns.. introducing ourselves..?"

Edited by Noxid, 15 April 2012 - 06:34 AM.

[Captain Fabulous]

"Does this look like kindergarten to you?"

"Y... no...?"

"You seem confused. Let me help you out: it's not. We're being abducted by some horrific cyborg asshole and crammed into a god damn sack. The only similarity this situation has with elementary school is that I can't get any booze."

Instead of being thankful for having this pointed out to him, Fuzz-face looks positively beaten. It's like he would run away and cry if there was anywhere to go. Carl wonders just what the hell his deal is, and turns away to let him snivel if he needs to. Beardy regains his composure though, and with new confidence says, "My name is Noxid and I would very much like to become acquainted with such a fine stallion."

Carl is pretty sure Noxid tried to fake a Spanish accent for that. This guy is ridiculous.

Carl turns back around to see Noxid's crimson hoof extended towards him. He tries the ice-cold stare again, but just can't be assed to keep fending this guy off. Giving in, Carl gives it a weary shake. "I'm Carl Blackclops. Please find someone else to bother." He's starting to feel pretty damn sober, and he's sure things are only going to get worse from there.

Edited by Captain Fabulous, 15 April 2012 - 07:27 AM.

[Wild Desu]

Greynbow Dash, of course, would have no part of this conversation. While the lush and the (wo)manizer become merrily acquainted, she closes her eyes and rests her head against the rough burlap sack. Soon enough, everyone around her is tuned out. All that's left is herself and her mind. Now she can easily wallow in her misery with no interruption from the others.

How did I ever get dragged into this nonsense?

How on earth did I even get here in the first place?

Whatever this ridiculous mission is, I am of no use to them.

I never had any use in the first place.

And I never will.

I want to be alone.

Forever.

I'm used to it by now. And you know what? I enjoy it.

You know what I don't enjoy? Being around these ponies.

And I'm sure they won't enjoy being around me either.

Except for that red pony trying to hit on me. He probably just felt bad for me.

I'm hideous.

I'm grey.

All the other ponies are so colorful. Rainbow dash...She's colorful. But she doesn't even know I exist.

Even if she did, it's not like she would even care about me.

Hell, even that monstrosity carrying us is more beautiful than me.

I wish I could just jump out of this damn sack. No loss for the others. They don't need me.

Where are my pills?

Am I out of them?

Dear Celestia I had better not be out of them.

Of course the thought of this possibility jolted her out of her true monologue of self pity. But so did that damn scratching of that red one's beard. Along with that weird, somewhat familiar stonk that suddenly assailed her nostrils. Wait..is that...? No, it couldn't be....

Edited by Wild Desu, 16 April 2012 - 04:42 AM.

[sexplosive]

[00:39] <sexpy> http://i44.tinypic.com/4q3o1f.png
[00:39] <@cultr1> no
[00:39] <sexpy> TODAY WAS A SAD DAY FOR BLAZEFLEUR
[00:39] <@cultr1> shhh
[00:40] <WD-40> sexpy
[00:40] <sexpy> the gov. came
[00:40] <@cultr1> we're trying to play games
[00:40] <WD-40> ;_;
[00:40] <WD-40> i shed a tear
[00:40] <sexpy> and burned his crops
[00:40] <WD-40> at your art
[00:40] <Dunc2403> Yessssss boost ball
[00:40] <sexpy> he was very sad
[00:40] <+Malpercio> Dunc2403: what play?
[00:40] <@cultr1> ugh nvm
[00:40] <sexpy> he had no way to make money
[00:40] <+Malpercio> also hm why wouldn't it be able to connect
[00:40] <Dunc2403> Metroid prime
[00:40] <sexpy> so he decided that he would make the government PAY FOR THEIR CRIMES
[00:41] <sexpy> he renamed himself two
[00:41] <@cultr1> I dunno
[00:41] <+Malpercio> sure your browser's not trying to http://www.<ip>.com and be a retard?
[00:41] <@cultr1> yeah
[00:41] <sexpy> from now on his name will be
[00:41] <@cultr1> maybe try using... IE
[00:41] <sexpy> blazefleur: freedom fighter
[00:41] <sexpy> or bfff for short

[Captain Fabulous]

No you dumb homo tool, your ROLEPLAYIN WRONG.
CHRIST,. no look..... FUCK
dude no look no
it's NOT THAT HARD
good lard...
ok yo'ure obvioubly doing this just to PISS ME OF
JESUS DICK

I'll write a thing here later maybe if Lace doesn't first. Which he should.

[Lace]

"Lace was in Minneapolis and is going to go to the upper left corner of Massachusetts in an hour or so!" yelps a mysterious voice.
Nonplussed, the ponies continue doing whatever the heck they were just doing.

[JakeXanth]

"UURRRRRRGH"
Wage vomits over the side of the bag for what feels like the thousandth time in the last 20 minutes. It somehow manages to be just as shameful as the first.
Flight sickness. His most embarrassing secret as a pegasus, exposed to everyone around him a thousand times over.

Pausing to catch his breath, he notices that the grey mare is staring at him with what looks like nostalgia in her eyes. As he contemplates what sort of pony gets nostalgic over vomit, he feels another lump in his throat and turns once more to face the ocean.
The only thing that escapes his mouth is a strained wet sound, signalling that his stomach has finally run empty.

He turns around completely, back against the burlap sack, taking a few moments to rest his burning throat and nurse his aching pride.
The others seem to be introducing themselves, and soon the bearded one turns to Wage.

"Hello," he says, with a smile plastered across his hairy face, "My name is Noxid, what's yours?"

Wage takes a moment to think up a scathing retort, but the acid in his throat prevents him from choking it out.
Eventually, he settles on a simple introduction of, "My name's Minimum Wage," and begrudgingly shakes Noxid's hoof.

Edited by JakeXanth, 23 April 2012 - 03:05 AM.

[Noxid]

"traitor..."
Heartglass soars silently onward over the murky blue abyss. The voices were getting stronger. It had began a few months ago - then barely a murmer, easily passed of as the whispering of the wind or rustling of leaves - but they gradually became more tangible. Like the ethereal mycelium of some black and tainted fungus, they were burrowing into his mind, taking hold, growing stronger as they fed off of her spirit. So far, he had been able to keep them at bay by immersing herself in violent conflict. Caked in the blood of villains and surging with adrenaline, serving violent justice provided an escape from the constant tugging sensation of guilt in the back of her mind. But it was no use anymore. Nothing stopped it.
"the pilsner...."
One thing kept resurfacing. The Pilsner of Heindunkle. A legendary brew said to take one thousand years to mature, containing immense magical power and incredibly full-bodied with only one hundred calories. Heartglass felt inexplicably drawn to its location. It must be the cure to this torment, and she must find it, or die trying.

"Excuse me, good stalli... Uh, lovely ma... err... Heartglass?"

Another voice, not from within this time but from below, interrupts Heartglass' reverie. The bearded pony was speaking to him in cautious, uncertain tones. "What is it, mortal?" Heartglass inquires.

The pony clears its throat and starts, more confidently now.
"I do not believe we have had the pleasure of being properly introduced. My name is Noxid, and these other two stallions are Carl Blacklops and Minimum Wage." Carl rolls his eyes at the sound of his name coming from Noxid's mouth. "And this mare is.. Well, actually, she is perhaps too modest to say just yet. I'm sure that will change in time." He quickly throws her a peculiar look, as though trying to both wink and raise his eyebrows at the same time. The grey mare appears to not notice it. "I was wondering if you would deign to tell us a little more about yourself, or our quest?"

"Very well." Heartglass begins. "My name is Heartglass Butterscales, and I have been around since a time before memory. I use my might to aid those who are weak and to CRUSH THE STRONG. JUST AS NOW I WILL AID YOU IN CLAIMING THE PRIZE YOU SEEK. THE PILSNER OF HEINDUNKLE IS HIDDEN DEEP WITHIN THE MOUNTAINS OF AUSTRI-"

Carl interrupts. "Hey asshole, you're shouting again." Realizing his outburst, Heartglass takes a moment to regain composure before continuing.
"...trusted you..."
"My apologies. As I was saying, the Pilsner is hidden deep within the mountains of Austria, guarded by ancient wards and fearsome beasts. It will take-"

"Hhhold the fuck up," Heartglass was stopped again, this time by the miserable-looking pony from starbucks that smelled of coffee beans and despair. "I didn't sign up to fight fuckin' monsters here, I want out."

"Certainly. If you'd prefer, I could turn around. I may be able to get you back in time for four o'clock." Wage's features narrowed at this proposition, his mouth pressed to a thin horizontal line. Aversion response. "As I thought. Now, worry not - I shall dispatch any foe that may cross our path. However, more than might is needed to overcome the challenges ahead."

Edited by Noxid, 23 April 2012 - 05:57 PM.

[Captain Fabulous]

"Jesus, Heartgas, that took a hell of a long time." Carl grumbles as he staggers around on the dead grass, struggling to regain his land legs. It's like being drunk without the benefit of being drunk.

"The unexpected delays were not my fault," Heartglass replies. "I delivered us to our destination as quickly as ponily possible."

"No. No, you didn't," came a weak, muffled voice from inside the sack. Minimum had simply collapsed along with the bag upon landing, and up until now, Carl hadn't been sure if he was still alive. "Dropping us into the ocean is not the fastest way across the Atlantic," Minimum continued after taking a few very audible breaths. "You ass," he added.

"You mortals apparently cannot handle a simple flight, so—"

"YOU FLEW THROUGH A PLANE!" Minimum shoots to his feet, still wrapped in the sack. "You tried to carry us through a plane. That is why you dropped us." Standing is apparently too much for him at this point, and the brown lump flattens back into the sack with a groan and a thud.

Heartglass never deviates from his smooth tone. "It is not my fault if something gets in our way and cannot handle the consequences of that. We do not have time to argue about such inconsequential things. You are all still alive, now we must enter the Cave." Heartglass's eyes glow and smoke puffs from her muzzle as he finishes speaking.

"What cave? Why did you capitalize it?" asks Noxid, who has totally been here the whole time, along with Greynbow Dash.

"BECAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE THAT, NOW HALT YOUR STUPID QUESTIONS." Heartglass screams and points at a huge, ominous opening in the mountainside the party landed next to.

"Oh."

Carl took this moment to start caring about his surroundings and look at them. Castle-like turrets and ramparts have been carved into the rock face, and a long, limestone stairway leads up to the cave mouth. It looks like something from Lord of the Thrones. Surely all this must guard something valuable. This Pilsner must be the greatest brew of all time. The coldest one. The beer to end all beers.

That almost makes me want to give a shit about it, Carl thinks to himself. He carefully considers whether or not he cares about this beer.

Nope, not really. Carl certainly wants to drink something, but he'd much rather have a good old American beer than fetch this silly underground pilsner. Still, now that he's in Austria, halfway across the world, Carl doesn't really have anything better to do. Maybe fight a kangaroo, but he doubts Heartglass will stop hounding his ass long enough for that.